I am sitting on the floor upstairs surrounded by Laynie's
scrapbooks and caringbridge notes, not knowing where to begin. It is my baby's birthday. What do I want to remember? What do I want to 'feel' today? I am a stuffer by most people's
definition. One who can rise up in the
midst of a challenge and remain strong, one who can stuff all the emotions
aside and get through whatever I have to.
Not a worrier unless it is necessary.
But with that also comes the vulnerability of when I will allow myself
to feel all the emotions that go along with the challenge. And today is one of them. I have told myself that I have to face it at
least once a year on this day. I will
never forget Laynie, never. But, not
many days do I allow myself to truly remember all that went on during her
life. It is just too hard.
As I turn open the first page of her book, my heart skips a
beat. Her hospital picture. I remember the day we went to the hospital to
pick her up. We had previously been
matched with a birthmother in the Peoria prison who was due with a baby
boy. We had all the major necessities
for an infant and a room set up for a boy.
But, God had another plan. One we
could never have imagined. He closed the
door on that adoption the day Laynie was born.
I remember questioned why? Why
God is this happening again? Do you not
want me to be a mother? What is my
purpose here? I was broken, fully
surrendered to God, completely flat on my stomach heaving with sobs on what the
future was going to hold. At that point,
I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. After years of failed IVF cycles and failed
adoption stories I was done. It was at
that moment in my life that I once again felt God's hand over me. Through all my tears there was a silent strength
that He had given me - "My grace is sufficient, His grace made perfect in
my weakness." I knew that God was
in control and knew that nothing I would never understand why so I should stop
asking and instead listen, listen to His small still voice. I knew that I had to stop trying to
orchestrate things in my life to go the way I thought they should go and
instead give it all completely to God, and I did. And not more than a minute later, our phone
was ringing with the call about Laynie.
I remember still being downstairs recovering from my
'revelation' of sorts and Tadd running to me saying, "you want to be a
mom?" and thinking "really hon, you have to ask? that isn't even
funny!" We were told a baby girl
was born at Methodist Hospital in Peoria and if we were open to it we could
pick her up the next day.
I remember my mom
and I rushing to Target and loading a cart with bottles, formula, diapers,
pacifiers, onesies, monitors, and every other baby item you could think
of. I think the cashier thought I was
crazy. I am sure the beaming smile on my
face gave away any doubts that I was sane.
I was going to pick up our baby...Our baby. Was that day finally here? Or would be greatest fear take place, getting
so close and it not happen. Faith, it
was all about faith and knowing that God was sovereign over all things I kept
telling myself. Faith no matter what
happened, good or bad.
Flipping forward a few more pages in her scrapbook - the
moment we got to hold Laynie. She was
such a tiny peanut. 6 lb. 6 oz. perfect
in every way. I remember nurses commenting how cute she was and how tiny her
features were. The joy that flowed out
of my heart was indescribable. I know
that I cannot compare it to being a mother by birth, having that child grow
inside me for nine months. But the love
and joy I felt that moment I held Laynie was nothing short of what I would have
felt for a child I gave birth to. I was
amazed at how protective I felt over her.
And how I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I was a mother at last,
and only by God's grace and this amazing gift from her birthmom could that have
ever happened.
When we got home there was a flood of friends and family
over to visit. I honestly don't remember
much about those two weeks. Besides that
I was on cloud nine and could not have been happier. I loved seeing the baby items around the
house, bottles in the kitchen sink, baby blankets thrown around the house. Life was good. God was faithful and everything was right how
it should be...in my perfect world..
I had no idea that in just fourteen days from arriving home
my world was going to come caving down.
The security net I had once again thought I was in, my world, my
ideas...can you see where I went wrong?
Because I was not in control. I
am not in control or will I ever be.
God's plan was different from mine.
He had a different agenda for why Laynie was allowed to live with us
here on this earth.
Now looking back I see how God was preparing my heart
through all the trials up till then of being told I would never have children
of my own to going through countless failed IVF rounds and shots to being lied
to from a birthmom about adopting her child.
God was putting me through the fire so that I could get ready for the
greater plan He had for me, to care for Laynie those short 9 months.
Many ask how we made it through those times of being in the
hospital or caring for Laynie.
Prayer. God's grace. The support from church, family, and
friends. It is during these trials that
God starts to work in people's hearts.
Some people who we never even knew.
And that only could have happened by God.
I got to share my first mother's day with Laynie. I used to dread the holiday in the past. It seemed to point out what I already knew, I
wasn't one. And even if I was at peace
about that fact, Satan loved to stir up discontentment and make me question
what I knew was true. So on May 13,
2007...I soaked in every minute of that Mother's day.
Two days later, I was in the hospital singing "Jesus
Loves Me" to my daughter who was getting an echo done to confirm that
indeed she had hypoplastic left heart syndrome.
Instead of sitting at home rocking her, I was forced to stand by her
side unable to console her cries as doctors hurried to assess the situation. All I could do was grasp her small finger in
mine and sing into her ear as soothingly as I could the sweet words - Jesus
Loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so, Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak, but He is STRONG! That
song haunts me a little now. As time
goes on I can sing it. But for the
longest time all that was associated it was the first day we found out Laynie was
sick. Things were such a blur. What was meant to be a routine two-week
appointment went from worse to emergent.
Phone calls were made and we were sent to OSF. I remember Tadd sitting on the chair outside
of her room during the echo, sick.
Physically sick at what was happening.
The moments after that were ones of shock and awe. We were told that Laynie had hypoplastic left
heart syndrome, transposition of the great arteries, coarctation of the aorta,
and a VSD. It is almost laughable now to
think that we had no clue what that meant.
We weren't parents who were given this diagnosis during pregnancy and
could get information on what this all meant.
I remember asking nurses and doctors around us what was wrong with
Laynie. No one would respond, but you could see it in their faces. They knew what was involved in our
future...the surgeries, the recovery, and the long days ahead. She would need 3 surgeries - 1 right away, 1
when she was 4-6 months old, and the last one around age 3. I remember thinking, no biggie. She is a fighter and we can do this.
I remember having to tell all of our family and
friends. Most of all I remember my mom
saying, you need to call her birthmom.
How was I going to do that? We
had only talked for an hour or less the day we came to get Laynie and now I was
supposed to call and tell her that it was a miracle her child hadn't died at
our home and would need surgery, at least 3 in the future? I dreaded it... I don't remember exactly how I told her, but
I do remember the shock I could hear in M's voice as she took in the news. I felt horrible. I loved this woman as well and knew that she
would have no support that instant as she heard the news. I prayed that God would bring someone close
to comfort her and thanked Him that we had such a strong support system through
it all.
A few days before surgery she had been given meds to
paralyze her and she was on a vent.
Nothing really prepares you to see a baby so little with that many lines
and machines hooked up to them. She was
so tiny, so fragile. Although Laynie was
a fighter. She had quite the grip when
you held her finger as though she was feeling the same, she didn't want to let
go. I remember Tadd and his constant
prompting to the surgeon - "is this like a walk in the park for
you?" And Dr. Fortuna's response
of, "not a walk in the park, but I do a lot of these surgeries"
Laynie had her first surgery that Friday, 3 days after her
diagnosis. It lasted from
7:30am-4:47pm. A long day. We all gathered in the ICU waiting room. Both Tadd and my parents were there
supporting us with prayers and well wishes the whole time. The hours seemed to drag on until at
last, we could go back and see her. Fresh out of surgery she was quite a sight,
but I remember thinking how good she looked.
Ha! Makes me smile now. I think I was just so glad to have her by me
again. To be able to touch her. Anywhere a wire or IV wasn't plugged in, that
is where I would touch her. So she could
know that her mama was right there by her to help her through.
Days in the hospital start to run together. However the day I got to hold her again was
priceless. Her ART line was taken out on
May 30th and I finally got to hold her again.
To feel her body next to mine...ahh, heaven on earth. Still to this day my best memories are
feeling her body next to mine. To feel
her breath against my neck as I held her against my chest.
We were almost to the point of bringing her home after that
first surgery and then got some bad news. Her coarctation was worse than they
thought and she needed to go into open heart surgery again. That is kind of how hospital visits were...draining. Just as you would think you couldn't muster
up anymore strength, that the end was in sight, it wasn't. Days were spent learning how to care for
Laynie. I wanted to do as much as I
could. During some of the beginning days
they wouldn't even let me hold her and only the nurses got to when they rolled
her in her bed to one side or the other.
So after awhile I would use any excuse to just touch the small part of
her back as she got rolled to one side.
I used to put bows in her hair or give her a new pair of booties. Anything to make the stay seem more
normal. As though she was still a little
baby. I remember mourning the fact that
I was losing all this precious time with her while we were stuck in a
hospital. Other parents were at home
snuggling with their babies, taking outings with them, and seeing friends. The hospital life was our norm and we made
the best of it.
Laynie was discharged on June 22nd for the first time. Then began our life at home. I got to have a baby shower for the first
time. Soaked in every precious
moment. The things you long for as a
first time mom, I still got to experience but in just a little different
order. Life was good. Tadd and I got into a new routine with
feedings, medications, and everything that went with it. We continued to praise God for His
faithfulness at providing for our family and each minute that we got to spend
with each other. I made it my goal to
try to have a positive attitude and try to do everything the same as I would
with a child who didn't have special needs.
The peace at home was short lived because by August 14th
Laynie was back in the hospital for open heart surgery again due to her
coarctation issues. We were used to the
surgery steps at this point and could better prepare ourselves for what was to
come in the next few days. Days in the
hospital seemed to bring highs and lows.
By this point I had learned to somewhat read the monitors and know her
medications better and what they were for.
I was by no means a nurse or doctor, but the best advocate for my little
girl I felt. There were days I wished I
didn't know what was going on because it was like I would hold my breath as her
stats went down or cheer as they improved.
To say it was tiring would be an understatement. We got to leave two weeks later though and we
were thrilled.
Once home we were dealing with drug withdrawal and fussiness
issues. The stress of an infant with
hypoplastic left heart syndrome is that they were not supposed to cry because
their heart could get stressed out and then their oxygen stats could drop
rapidly. In other words if they were
crying for longer than 5 minutes you could have serious issues. This doesn't really help parents that are
lacking on sleep themselves and dealing with a baby who is going through
withdrawal symptoms. I remember calling
my mom one morning trying to wait until 1 or 3 am before I called. I couldn't console Laynie and hadn't had much
sleep. I was frantic and worried she was
going to crash. Tadd had tried to
comfort her to no avail either. So I
finally got in the car and headed to my mom's where I pleaded for just one
straight hour of sleep so I could continue on.
My mom instantly stepped in and took over. Without a doubt I know that God knew our
family could handle Laynie. With the
support of our families and friends - we made it. There were so many times I remember thinking,
if I was a single mom how would I be doing this? The answer was simple...I couldn't! I am not saying that Laynie's birthmom
couldn't have taken good care of Laynie, but I know that all of our support and
prayers from those around us literally carried us through so many days and
nights.
Laynie's next months until Christmas were filled with trips
in and out of the hospital due to eating issues. We spent another week in early September due
to esophagitis and came home with a TPT (feeding tube) in. On September 21st she got admitted again due
to having trouble eating again. She
ended up needing a G-tube so she had surgery on October 4th and by the 9th we
were discharged.
October through December were our happiest times. I struggle with trying to think of memories
that are not hospital related. So many
times I am quick to relive a bad night at home or a bad day at the hospital
before I can relive a day of laughter.
We did get to enjoy the holidays with our family though. Laynie was getting plump thanks to her G-tube
and getting better nourishment. We had
her pictures taken. Looking at them now
brings a smile to my face. Her crazy
hair that shot out in all directions.
Her pudgy little cheeks. By
December she was starting to try cereal and baby food. We got to enjoy family Christmases and were
starting to actually make plans for the future.
All the while we knew she would need her second stage surgery soon, but
it was supposed to be the least complicated out of the three so we were hopeful
we would be in for a week and then home to enjoy life together.
We waited until Jan 7th to go to the hospital for her next
surgery. The surgeons convinced us to
enjoy the holidays and then come in for surgery. I remember I was just so eager to get it done
and over with. I didn't want it hovering
over us. I just wanted to move on with
life. Laynie had surgery on the
9th. The next couple weeks once again
are a little bit of a blur. We had begun
our hospital routine. By this time Tadd
and I both knew how we could cope the best.
I would stay at a nearby hotel while Laynie was admitted. It got to be where I couldn't be at home if
Laynie wasn't there. The stillness of
the house would haunt me. My mom would
take turns and come sit with me or Laynie at the hospital and then evenings
were spent with Tadd and visitors. The
hospital had turned into somewhat of our second home. We got to know the staff so well, they were
like family. We knew where all the good
places to eat or find snacks were. We
knew where a shower was if we needed to take one (this was prior to the new OSF
of course where they are in your rooms now).
I pause as I realize we are up to the last few weeks of her
life. Some details seem blurry, others
as vivid as though they just took place.
And the 10th was one of the terrifying memories...
I was sitting in the corner of the room working on Laynie's
scrapbook on a hospital rolling table. I
could see Laynie off to the right in front of me. They had her paralyzed since the surgery in
order to try to get better blood flow amongst other things. I remember watching her monitors and thinking
things were looking a little different every once in a while, like a funky
heart beat, but her stats were fine so I told myself to relax. In the afternoon around 3:49pm Laynie's heart
stopped beating. Her alarms went off and
within seconds the nurses were yelling and my table full of scrapbook supplies
was thrown to the side as they rushed to get to her bedside. Her heart only stopped for 6 seconds, but
those 6 seconds felt like an eternity. I
remember being completely frozen. After
all the commotion had subsided one of the nurses pulled me aside and I remember
her shaking me and holding my face in her hands telling me, "She is fine,
Jill. She is fine now, don't worry she
is fine" Then I collapsed. I had to sit down on a chair as the tears
flowed. It was the first time I felt as
though I was going to lose her. And I
wasn't ready. I remember praying to God
that she could be OK that I could have some more time because I wasn't ready to
let her go.
The pages in her book ahead show the regular hospital
things. But, I am still smiling. Tadd and I by her bedside smiling. By God's grace we could smile. Because we knew he was in control and
although we were scared and unsure of the future we knew that God had a
plan. That He had our best intentions in
mind. Ways to grow us and mold us into
better servants for His kingdom. Ways to
teach us compassion for others.
God granted me a couple weeks after that incident before He
decided to take Laynie home. She had
gotten an infection where they had to pack ice bags around her whole body to
cool her off, she was septic, and ended up having to be put on ECMO on January
22nd. We still had hope. Hope that God was going to change this
outcome and heal Laynie. We had so many
people praying for a miracle. And yet
our prayer was mostly that we would not have to make any hard decisions. Decisions to take Laynie off life
support. We didn't want the anguish or
guilt, we wanted peace. The perfect
peace that God grants. The serene
feeling you get knowing that you are in God's perfect will. And God answered our prayers. On Feb. 1st Laynie had a massive intracranial
hemorrhage where she was pronounced brain dead.
God had spared us the agonizing decisions. Of course, that is not the answer I would have
preferred. That would have been to take
my daughter home with me. Hold her in my
arms and go back to my life as I saw it.
But I am not in control.
Instead here I was sitting in the cold plastic rocking chair
in a hospital bed waiting to hold my daughter for the last time. As I sat there waiting for them to pass her
to me I went into waves of no feeling at all, gut wrenching body shaking cries
of horror, and back to quiet pleading sobs....They asked me how I wanted to
hold her. I wanted to hold her free of
wires, free of tubes...just as God made her.
I wanted to feel the warmth of her body against mine one last time. This moment is one I will never forget, one
that holds the most peace and the most sorrow.
As I sat in the chair holding out my arms for Laynie, I remember the
rush of peace that covered me. My fear
was gone, my sorrow was gone, my body had stopped shaking. Instead the greatest peace filled my
body. As though God was holding his arms
around me, His child, as I was holding my child in mine. As family members came up to the chair to
kiss Laynie goodbye I sat there knowing it was all going to be OK. My Father would carry me through.
And 5 years later as I sit here, my feet asleep from writing
for so long... I am sad. I miss Laynie more than ever. My chest still aches to feel her warm body
against me. But I remember the scars and
bruises on her body that she endured in her 9 months of life and I know that
she is in a better place. After her
death, God has grown me in ways that I never knew were possible. I am a stronger believer because of it. And that is not to say it hasn't been
hard. I can honestly say we are still
working on recovering from her death and I don't ever know that we will be the
same, nor do I hope that we will. It has
tested our marriage and our faith. But,
through God's love and our relationship with Him we have become closer to each
other and to Him because of it.
I don't wish this experience on anyone, but I do pray that
you can experience the effects of what an incredible trial like this has on a
person. It was funny, this Sunday our
Bible Study group was talking about trials in relation to orphan care and how
we are grown by it. We each endure
different trials in our lives. Ones that
are perfectly formed by God to perfect us.
To expose the sin in our lives and to help us grow in His grace and
knowledge. I thank God for Laynie. For allowing us to love her, to care for her
those 9 months, and for giving us the opportunity to show His love to others
and what that has done in our lives through Laynie. May you each find peace like I have in
knowing that we are not in control, but that our Father is!
Nights were spent shopping, taking walks, and eating LOTS of ice cream. There are lots of shopping malls around with great fountains, bridges, and ponds to check out. Selah had been talking about going to Red Robin for months. We have started a tradition of sorts. When Selah went to Florida the first time she was only six months old and we took a picture of her with Red Robin. It is in her scrapbook and she was always commenting on going to see Red Robin again. We found out when he would 'be' there and scheduled the night to go out to eat. Of course, in true Selah fashion when we arrived she was scared to death. To mark the occasion, Aunt Tiff volunteered to get her picture with him :) What an aunt. The moment we were out the door and every night following Selah made sure to say how she wanted to go back and get her picture - well, maybe next year Selah!
At home we really don't each much ice cream. But with vacation comes ice cream and a LOT of it. Something about Florida weather and the fact of splurging on vacation. Most nights after dinner ice cream was involved. There was also an ice cream shoppe only a few blocks from our house. And if that wasn't reason enough to go - kids were free! Yep, so of course we had to take advantage of that :)
