Bittersweet...

memo·ry (mem′ə rē, mem′rē)

noun pl. memories -·ries

1.the power, act, or process of recalling to mind facts previously learned or past experiences
2.the total of what one remembers



Can it really be three years ago already? Some days it feels longer than that, and other times like it was yesterday. Memories are so tricky. How our brain recalls memories, what makes us remember a memory all of a sudden. Certain smells, certain words, certain pictures...all can bring back memories and the flood of emotions that go along with them. At any given time without warning a simple smell of hand sanitizer, talk of a heart condition, a hospital, or seeing a small child can all bring back the memories of 3 years ago.

I have to confess I really struggle with remembering the good times. The times where I felt the pure, unadalterated joy. The joy that comes with feeling the warmth of a newborn baby pressed against your body. Their smell, their peaceful expression. The joy I felt that first moment Laynie was laid in my arms. That is what I cling to. Where there were no other cares in the world in that moment, as if time had held still, and I could just sit there staring at her perfectness (if that is even a word :). Being able to experience first hand a miracle from God. I believe with all my might that I was viewing God's love made visible at that very moment. I remember the first time we went to church as a family. After struggling with infertility for years, the joy of taking Laynie to church was amazing! I remember the pride I felt as I carried her carseat into church and lifted out this miracle to share with our church family. And after years of sitting in a church pew with empty arms and desiring to have a child to hold and bring to God's House...The day had finally come. Walking into church with my family and sitting together holding Laynie in my arms...priceless! The joy and overflowing love I felt that moment. The moment I could sing praises to God while holding the very child in my arms He had entrusted to me. Little did I know He would ask me to return His child to Him less than a year later. But, for that moment I was full to overflowing with LOVE.



And now, I struggle to get back to that time. To remember those moments in Laynie's life where I felt that pure joy. That peace. Because so many moments of my life with her were spent in a hospital or at home caring for her physical/medical needs. I remember the days of rocking her in the big rocking chair in her room. The cold plastic crinkling against me as I tried to picture myself holding her at home in a cozy plush rocking chair. Or sleeping with my head next to hers on her bed, trying to get as close to her body as I could. To feel the warmth of her skin against mine, to hold her hand...



And then when it doesn't get too hard I really allow myself to fully "remember" and then come the flood of memories/emotions that go along with remembering...the ECMO machine, the coldness of machines in her room keeping her little body going, the IV's, the times where Laynie struggled. The days where I felt my heart move out of my chest, literally holding my breath along with every breath that she took, praying that she could just make it through another day without complications. And then it becomes too much....and I stop. I stop remembering.

And then the tears flow or even worse, none flow. Because I feel numb. Numb to all the pain, the sorrow, the ache that my heart feels towards Laynie now that she is gone.. Gone too soon! Way too soon I want to scream!

So as her anniversary comes another year, I will let myself remember, but cling to the good memories with all of my might. To try to control my brain into forgetting the hard times. To only pause and remember the good times, the laughter she had. The smile that broke out all across her face, her giggle. Her crazy hair that spiked in all directions. To the times we did have at home where I could hold her and snuggle all day. The days we could get out and do family things, take bike rides together.





We love you Layniebug! You will forever be our first love, our firstborn and even if it is painful, we will remember!