Moments of reflection...

First, our 30 days of waiting are over... The birthfather's rights are now technically terminated. Now it is just a matter of paperwork and court dates being set for the final hearing to be set and Selah's name written on her birth certificate. We are so excited for this day to come. With Laynie the day didn't happen until after she had passed away and it was quite bittersweet to hear her name being said..Alayna Christine Gerst.

The last couple weeks I have to confess that I have been a pretty overprotective mother. Memories of Laynie still come and go at different times without any warning. As Selah continues to grow..way too fast in my opinion :) I often find myself staring at her. I can't seem to take my eyes off this blessing God has given me. And then it makes me sad. I think...why couldn't I have taken more times to sit and stare at Laynie. Thank God for that time, that moment He was giving me with her. So many times in my mind I was exhausted, doing the errands around the house, and overall just "caring" for Laynie. And I could have stopped and stared. Time seems to continue at such a fast pace. Selah changes each day I look at her. I seem to be going through the stage of starting my dreams for Selah. You know...what you want your child to be able to experience. Wondering how you will instill in her the values of life, to respect others, and to be able to first and foremost share the love that God has for her. I think of the times she will get to spend with her grandparents...fishing with Grandpa, shopping with grandma, playing outside with her cousins. All the times that Laynie will never have. We will never get to hear Laynie say her first word, take her first step, or see her love for her family. And it literally breaks my heart! Not because I don't know that she is in a better place, but sad for myself and the memories that were cut short. I know that some day we will be reunited in heaven and there I can picture her. Fuzzy hair and all laughing and rambling away about all that she has done while she was waiting for me. All the kids she was playing with and how she can run and not be in any pain or struggling to breathe. And it gives me peace. Knowing that when I am missing her here, now, God is up there holding her for me, giving her the kisses I can't give her.

The hope...the hope and joy I have for Selah. The praise I feel towards God for allowing me to be a mother again. Immense gratefulness towards her birthmother for her selfless gift and for including me in the pre-labor memories. I will never forget them. I look at Selah's pureness of heart and her personality that comes out more each day and it excites me. I am in awe. I wonder what she will be like at 6 months, a year, a toddler, a teenager :) and I have such hopes and dreams for her. And every night I pray that God will allow her to live out her dreams because now I know how fragile life really is. That at any moment God can take us from this earth...and we need to be ready. For those of you who don't know Christ as your Savior...I plead with you from the bottom of my heart for you to seek Him out, pray...and He will answer you. The peace that He alone can give you is enough to carry you through any trials that Satan throws at you! More than ever when this world is gone, I want to see each one of you personally in heaven so that we can throw Laynie the birthday parties she missed, that she can share with her aunts and uncles the times that she missed, and that her grandparents can rock her like they would have if she was still here.

I love you all and if I seem overly protective, please forgive me. I feel as though I don't want to miss anything Selah does. But, I also want to share her with all of you. For without you and your prayers Tadd and I wouldn't be where we are today. So thank you.