Struggles

I got the opportunity yesterday to attend the Hearts at Home Mom Conference in Bloomington and it was amazing! It really opened my eyes and renewed my heart to my calling to be the best mother I can by God's grace. To make it a goal to raise Selah to love God, be compassionate, honest, pure, independent, grateful, respectful, and all the other goals we have for our children in life. We have such an opportunity and responsibility to impress upon our child's heart the tools they need to fulfill His plan in their lives.

But I am missing this...

And this day...

Which brings me to the struggle I have been having lately...the waiting. I am trying to remain strong and patient in waiting. To "Be Still and Know that I AM GOD." That He is in control. We have gone through this battle before, but for some reason it feels the same...hard. Wanting to do His will with bringing children into our lives, but not knowing what we physically should be doing to promote the process. We are still continuing with the attorney group that we did with Selah out of Indiana, but we were specifying a boy this time and with that comes a different journey. It closes down our opportunities for our profile to be shown to a wide spread group and only allows it to be shown to those that know they are having a boy - which will more than likely be a mother who has already had her child - a surprise baby for the agency (like Laynie was). We got the call about Laynie the day she was born and the next day we picked her up. We are just struggling with whether we should be gender specific or not. Is this a selfish thought? to request a boy? Because if I was pregnant myself we wouldn't have a say over it :) We know that God has already chosen our child out there. And they may be in their mother's womb at this very minute. It is just hard to have faith in waiting when we can't see the end result. I always tell people if I knew it was going to be a year until we would be matched I could deal with it better, because I would know the end result....but that wouldn't be faith now would it. We always want the "easier" way, the way we can control things or think that we have some say in the end result. But simply said...we don't.

Our lives are pure examples of this and yet we are human. Questioning God's will in our lives. And you know that when we get impatient, Satan knows just want cracks to squeeze into to try to crumble our houses. He knows our every weakness, our faults, our insecurities and boy does he use them against us. Like...you should be jealous of all the other women that are able to bear children on their own because you aren't a "mother" just an adoptive mother, you will never feel your child move inside you...feel the miracle of life inside you, this adoption will take forever and then may end up falling through like the others did before we got Laynie...and the negative thoughts just keep going on and on.

But then the truths come...the promises I know are true. All things work together for good, to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose. And if you EVER see me grumbling. Please feel free to throw that verse right in my face! Because it IS true! And I KNOW it is! And I am BLESSED. I should be eternally GRATEFUL for all that God has given me. A loving husband, and house over my head, a beautiful child that I held for 9 months, and another girl who blesses my life every day. And more than anything I should be content. Content with what God has given me. Because I learned yesterday that the opposite of poverty isn't being rich..it is having enough! And I have enough. Even if God doesn't grant me the opportunity to have another child, I have enough...and I am grateful.

So as the tears flow..I know He is faithful. And Satan, I know you are out there trying to tear me down, but I want to let you know that you won't win. Because His Spirit is with me every minute of every day and His peace is with me. And though I am human and I fall short and get discouraged, God's love is sure and we will be OK. No, better than OK...BLESSED!

For those of you that are reading this I am not asking for sympathy that is not my goal. I am letting you into my heart so if you too are going through similar struggles with infertility or any struggle in life...that you can realize that you are not alone. And the thoughts you have that are contrary to God's promises are from Satan. Tell Him to flee from you and cling to those around you and to God's word. For His word is true and everlasting.

We love you all and pray that God willing we some day will have news to share with you that God has another child of His that He is allowing us to care for!